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Resolving Conflict. . . a genuine apology when it is deserved . . .
Some of us easily slip into a pattern of saying “I’m sorry” every time our mate is offended or unhappy with our actions. We want to please, or we hate conflict, so we choose the appearance of peace and its good feelings rather than trying to truly resolve and repair problems. Genuine repair starts with regret and follows up with efforts to change our behavior or attitude. If we just give empty apologies and do not back up our words with actions, we put ourselves down and drain the trust from our relationship.
A genuine apology is personal, clear, and specific. It suggests a change in future behavior. The personal part says I am sorry that I hurt you; the clear and specific parts name exactly what action we regret; and then we say how we will make repair. If we say, “I’m sorry you feel bad,” we are expressing sympathy, but we are not apologizing for our behavior, because there is no specific action that we regret. Giving our partner a genuine apology when it is deserved and backing it up with action is the best way to inspire respect and trust.
Tell your partner a change you are making or striving to make that comes out of an apology.
Secret to a long life is ultra low calorie diet, claim scientists
By Richard Alleyne, Science Correspondent
Substantially cutting calories from a normal diet could slow the ageing process and increase life expectancy, American scientists have found
Researchers have found that reducing calories by as much as 30 per cent –
just above malnutrition levels – could reduce risks of developing heart disease or cancer by half and increase lifetimes by nearly a third.
10 tips to improve your friendships
By Samantha Lyster
Women are thought to naturally have closer, more enduring relationships with each other, but the reality is a lot more volatile and delicate
You regularly spring clean your home, your make-up bag, even your romantic relationship, but it may be those tried-and-true friendships with other women that could benefit most from a thorough clear-out.
Women are supposedly natural “bonders”, forming faithful nurturing friendships with each other that stand the test of time – at least, that’s how the thinking goes. Yet researchers from the Universite du Quebec at Montreal, Harvard University and Emmanuel College in Boston recently found that female same-sex friendships are significantly less tolerant, more volatile, and likelier to degrade based on a single negative incident than male same-sex friendships.
We should review our friendships on a regular basis, says therapist Ursula James, to access if they are having a positive or negative impact on our lives.
“As with any relationship, self confidence and assertiveness play a role,” says James, who is based in Marylebone, London. “If you are the one who makes all the effort, re-evaluate the relationship. Better to make room for new, good friends than hang onto someone who harms you emotionally.”
So how do you achieve happy, stress-free and trusted friendships? For those of us (ahem), who haven’t always handled friendships in the best way, the experts have some advice:
1. Look at your own behaviour
Life coach Hannah Nutley says the first step is to look at yourself and examine how you behave in friendships. “It’s important to understand your role in the relationship,” she says. “Taking responsibility for the way you interact with someone, and how it affects you, is the first step to creating changes.”
2. Take a step back
Mark Vernon, author of The Philosophy of Friendship, advises that people are patient with their friends, even if they are being annoying, because one day that could be you. “Everyone has periods in which they are not very good at being a friend,” he says. “So when your friend is not being a good friend, remember that the same will apply to you, sooner or later.”
3. Honesty is sometimes the best policy
Vernon also advocates airing any grievances with a friend rather than letting resentment build up. However, do so in a calm, measured way to minimise any potential for an argument. “Sometimes,” he says, “for the sake of a better friendship, friends have to risk speaking honestly with one another, in spite of the risks.”
4. Make the effort
Ursula James says that even though the relationship is platonic, it’s still a relationship and just as you would with a partner, you need to make an effort. “Friendships, like all relationships, need maintenance,” she says. “It doesn’t mean we have to constantly call.” Rather, recognise that being a friend requires reaching out, organising time together and paying attention to your friend’s needs.
5. Take the lead to improve the friendship
If you find that actually, it is always you making the effort and not getting any support back, then Hannah Nutley suggests trying to make subtle changes. “If you are the shoulder to cry on for a friend, then re-focus the conversation on what you want to talk about,” she says. “We lead change by behaving differently and thereby creating the space for both ourselves and the other person to ’show up’ differently.
It takes practice and commitment to make the change stick but fundamentally it will better equip you for both this friendship and other relationships.”
6. Stay positive
Psychologist James Brook advises that we try to remain positive and optimistic, even in the face of adversity. “Research shows that people are more attracted to individuals displaying positive emotions and attitudes and who look for positive meaning, even in adverse events,” he says. “Conversely, research shows that people who are generally negative and pessimistic tend to repel others, who choose to spend their time with others with a happier, more optimistic outlook. ”
7. Forgive yourself
Talane Miedaner, author of The Secret Laws of Attraction, says that often people who are judgmental or critical of others, are also hard on themselves. “You end up holding loved ones to the same high standards you have, whether they have agreed to these standards or are even aware of them”, she says. “The magic cure for this unpleasant trait is to forgive yourself first. When you stop being so hard on yourself, you will have room in your heart to forgive others too. Another way to think about this is to realize that you are doing the best you can at the time, and so is everyone else.”
8. Feel the love
Hypnotherapist, life coach and author of Get The Love You Want, Glenn Harrold, suggests using visualising techniques to build strong friendships. “Think of a friend you care about or want to develop a stronger friendship with,” he says. “Close your eyes and imagine a strong feeling of love coming from your heart and reaching their heart, and silently focus on the word ‘love’.
“When you do this, avoid judgment or discrimination and continue to project a feeling of love towards them through your heart connection. After doing this a few times you will notice a stronger bond with this person.”
9. Listen
Philip Underwood, author of Change your Thinking – Change your Life, says that when our friends talk to us, we need to be properly prepared to listen to what they have to say. “Listen with the intention of understanding – with the heart not the head,” he advises.
10. Know when and how to say goodbye
Should you find that a friendship is causing more harm than good, then recognise it and face it, says Liz Pryor, author of What Did I Do Wrong?, a book about female friendships. “Don’t slip out the back door, avoid, stammer, ignore….particularly with a long time friend…address it,” she says.” Through E-mail, a letter, phone or in person, let the friend know what you are doing. It doesn’t make us cruel, mean, failed people to end a friendship…it’s life in that moment, you can even call it taking a break, but tell her.”
Is the past holding you back?
Is the past holding you back? They are all products of our history. Childhood experiences, traumatic events, how we were parented and previous relationships, all influence who we are. Many of us can point to painful experiences that, when we dwell on them, are as hurtful today as they were in our school days. Some of us can even trace certain behaviours or attitudes to past experiences. In severe cases, the past clouds the present. We obsess over past hurts and dwell on lost opportunities. We blame our parents for our lack of self-esteem and for our failures. Being badly let down by a partner prevents us from loving again. Often, people recreate the dynamics that they experienced as children. If you were the ‘good’ one in the family, you might find yourself always trying to please people in adulthood. If you experienced verbal abuse from your parents, you may pick a partner who reproduces the abuse and fear that you are used to.
Look at the patterns in your life and your relationships;
do you tend to pick friends who take advantage of you, for instance, or do you gravitate towards men who don’t challenge you at all? If you think about your own upbringing, you might identify possible reasons for your repeat behaviour. Powerful emotions are in play – loss, hurt, guilt, fear and anger. In order to be liberated from them, it is necessary to face them, and recognise how they are impacting the present. Letting go of the past is risky and frightening. It removes the excuses we’ve made for ourselves. It changes the status quo and demands action. Fear of change may be enough to keep you trapped in an unhealthy situation. But the benefits of moving forward are immense.
Weight Loss Program – Strategies You Cannot Afford to Miss Out
By Steven Ng
I’ll admit it. One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life is trying to lose weight. Not because of lack of motivation or commitment, no, I had PLENTY of that. The problem for me was deciding on the ‘how’. It seems as if everywhere you look, there is a new diet out on the market that promises incredible way to help you lose weight and have a perfect body. The before and after weight lose all look fantastic and are enough to sway just about anyone who is desperate to achieve the body they desire. The choices seem endless and all too often, at least for me anyways, I ended up making the wrong choice. So, how does someone know what is the RIGHT weight loss program for them?
The first step in any successful weight loss management is and will always be an exercise program which may include weight strength training. Nothing is a substitute for getting up and getting moving. Check with your doctor, make sure you have no health problems that would prevent you from getting physical, and get to it! Jumping rope, jogging, even brisk walking will start the calories burning and get your program off to a great start. In addition, make sure to add some resistance training to your regimen. For those less experience out there, this means weight lifting. Don’t groan, I know what you’re thinking, but here are the facts. Muscle burns fat. The more muscle you have, the more fat you will burn. Even while you are sitting down watching TV, your muscles will be burning fat. Now, don’t think that just because I am talking about lifting some weights you are going to turn into some bulky bodybuilder. That just doesn’t happen. Your physique will become toned, your muscles will start to show, and your clothes will fit better. All the things you want to have happen.
Now, exercise alone may not be all you need. For some of us, quality weight losing programs are what we need in addition to our exercise routines, but back to the original question, how do we know which one to pick?
When choosing a weight loss plan or product, the key thing to keep in mind is, “Is this something that I could do?” Be sure to learn all the parameters of the program or product and ask yourself this question. Try to picture yourself following the guidelines and outlined and be realistic with yourself. Is this something you will really stick to? Does the cost fit into your budget? Are there any special foods or supplements you will need to purchase? Many people begin weight loss program with the best of intentions, but decide later on that they made the wrong choice. Had they done a little more research beforehand, they likely would have had more success.
How to lose weight is an issue for many people all over the world. The health implications alone are certainly a reason to take some action, but it is the results we see as our bodies’ change that really motivates us to continue and hopefully, eventually succeed. If you take your time, do your research, commit to an exercise regimen as well as a program or product that is right for you, then you too can join the thousands of people every year who have success with a weight loss program.
Don’t Quit
When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill;
When the funds are low, and the debts are high;
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit -
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.
Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are;
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit -
It’s when things go wrong that you mustn’t quit.
Body language
Body language, which contributes 55% to communication, can confirm or contradict a person’s words. Body language conveys the truth of a person’s real intentions, feelings or attitudes more clearly than their words.
For Example: At a party you are talking to someone you’ve just met. She asks you about yourself, but from her eye contact you can tell that she is not interested because she is looking around, perhaps looking for someone more interesting to speak to. How does that make you feel?
Subordinates, and loved ones can quickly pick up whether you actually are interested in what they have to say by your body language. You don’t want to break down what you have built up by giving people the wrong message through your body language. Let your body language show that you are interested and care about people. Maintain eye contact and don’t work on something else while someone is speaking to you.
How to Have MORE Energy
By Dr John F Demartini
What are the most common causes of feeling flat and lethargic?
Distraction and lack of direction in life: Often people carry around so many tasks in their mind that they think they have to do, should have done, could do etc. The mental energy expended just thinking about this never ending to do list can leave you feeling drained, lethargic and completely overwhelmed. In today’s fast paced world it is essential we learn how to delegate and not try to take responsibility for everything. I suggest putting this imaginary list on paper, reviewing it and then separate what only you can do from what you know you can give to someone else to do. Once you have done this you will not feel as overwhelmed and immediately more motivated.
To paraphrase David Thoreau, most people are living quiet lives of desperation, not invigorating lives of inspiration. They are not doing what they love nor loving what they do. They aren’t grateful so they are putting on the brakes in life and lacking the energy and vitality to live. The body and mind are inseparable in their interactions. We need to be accountable for how our psychology may be affecting our overall health.
Are there any simple solutions?
Know where you are going. Your energy soars when you are clear on your aim and direction in life. When your heart and soul are guiding you, energy abounds.
Delegate low priority actions to those more suited and inspired to do them.
Be Thankful. When you are grateful for all that you have rather than dwelling on all that you are lacking, you will discover a very powerful source of energy. Count your blessings daily (Read my earlier book Count Your Blessings – The Healing Power of Gratitude and Love for more insights on the importance of gratitude).
Eat Moderately – Many people try to perk themselves up by pigging out but this is definitely not the way to do it. It has actually been shown that if you eat less you have an increase in vitality and overall energy. Biological research also shows people who eat less live longer. Walk away from the table a little less full and you will have a lot more spark to do the things you want to do.
Eat wholesome nutritious foods – become aware of what you eat. Be sure to “eat to live” not “live to eat”.
Drink Water – lots.
Breathe fully and deeply – Use your diaphragm.
Connect your vocation with your vacation. If you aren’t doing what you love and loving what you do you have the brake on all the time.
Smile. Smiling can change your physiology and make you look up at life
Eating to Fuel Exercise
By Tara Parker-Pope
Leslie Bonci
No matter what kind of exercise you do – whether it’s a run, gym workout or bike ride – you need food and water to fuel the effort and help you recover.
But what’s the best time to eat before and after exercise? Should we sip water or gulp it during a workout? For answers, I spoke with Leslie Bonci, director of sports nutrition at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center and a certified specialist in sports dietetics. She’s also the author of a new book, “Sports Nutrition for Coaches” (Human Kinetics Publishers, July 2009). Here’s our conversation.
Q: How important is the timing and type of food and fluid when it comes to exercise? A: I take the approach of thinking of food as part of your equipment. People are not going to run well with one running shoe or ride with a flat tire on their bike. Your food is just like your running shoes or your skis. It really is the inner equipment. If you think of it this way, you usually have a better outcome when you’re physically active.
Q: What’s the most common mistake you see new exercisers make when it comes to food? A: There are two common mistakes. Often somebody is not having anything before exercise, and then the problem is you’re not putting fuel into your body. You’ll be more tired and weaker, and you’re not going to be as fast.
The second issue is someone eats too much. They don’t want to have a problem, so they load up with food, and then their stomach is too full. It’s really a fine line for getting it right.
Q: At what point before exercise should we be eating?A: I like it to be an hour before exercise. We’re just talking about a fist-sized amount of food. That gives the body enough food to be available as an energy source but not so much that you’ll have an upset stomach. So if you’re going to exercise at 3 p.m., you need to start thinking about it at 2 p.m.
Q: What about water? How much should we be drinking?A: About an hour before the workout you should have about 20 ounces of liquid. It takes about 60 minutes for that much liquid to leave the stomach and make its way into the muscle. If you have liquid ahead of time, you’ll be better hydrated when you start to be physically active.
Q: Can you explain more about what you mean by a “fist-size” of food?A: That’s just a good visual for the amount. It could be something along the lines of a granola bar. I’m not a fan of the low carb bars. You need carbs as an energy source. We can’t really just do a protein bar. You want something in the 150 to 200 calorie range. That’s not enormous. Maybe a peanut butter and jelly wrap cut into little pieces, a fist-sized amount of trail mix. The goal is to put some carbohydrate in the body before exercise as well as a little bit of protein.
Q: What if I’m planning a long run or bike ride that’s going to keep me out for a few hours? Should I eat more?A: If we put too much food in the stomach in advance of exercise, it takes too long to empty and that defeats the purpose. We want something that will empty fairly quickly. If you’re exercising in excess of one hour, then you need to fuel during the exercise. For workouts lasting more than an hour, aim for about 30 to 60 grams of carbs per hour. We’re not going to be camels here. Some people use gels, honey or even sugar cubes or a sports drink.
Q: Does the timing of your food after you’re finished exercising make any difference?A: Post exercise, my rule of thumb, I like for people to eat something within 15 minutes. The reason for that is that the enzymes that help the body re-synthesize muscle glycogen are really most active in that first 15 minutes. The longer we wait to eat something, the longer it takes to recover.
If people are really embarking on an exercise program and want to prevent that delayed-onset muscle soreness, refueling is part of it. Again, it’s a small amount – a fist-sized quantity. Low-fat chocolate milk works very well. The goal is not a post-exercise meal. It’s really a post-exercise appetizer to help the body recover as quickly as it can. You can do trail mix, or make a peanut butter sandwich. Eat half before and half after.
Q: Why is it that peanut butter sandwiches come up so often as good fuel for exercise? A: It’s about having carbohydrate with some protein. It’s inexpensive and nonperishable. That’s a big deal for people, depending on the time of day and year. They’re exercising and they don’t want something that will spoil. Peanut butter is an easy thing to keep around.
Q: What do we need to know about replenishing fluids as we exercise?A: Everybody has a different sweat rate, so there isn’t one amount of liquid that someone is going to need while they exercise. Most people consume about 8 ounces per hour – that’s insufficient across the board. Your needs can range from 14 ounces to 40 ounces per hour depending on your sweat rate. Those people who are copious sweaters need to make an effort to get more fluid in while they exercise. I’m a runner, and I can’t depend on water fountains, so either someone is carrying water or you bring money. Store keepers always love that when you give them sweaty bills!
But nobody can be a camel. If you aren’t taking fluid in you have a risk of heat injury and joint injury, and strength, speed and stamina diminish. This is an important part of any training. Put fluid back into the body during exercise.
Q: Should we keep sipping fluids while we’re exercising?A: How we drink can make a difference in how optimally we hydrate our body. A lot of people sip liquids, but gulping is better. Gulps of fluid leave the stomach more rapidly. It’s important to do this. It seems counterintuitive, it seems like gulping would cause a cramp. People are more likely to have stomach cramps sipping because fluid stays in their gut too long.
When you take more fluid in, gulps as opposed to sips, you have a greater volume of fluid in the stomach. That stimulates the activity of the stretch receptors in the stomach, which then increase intra-gastric pressure and promote faster emptying. This is why gulping is preferred.
Q: Do you have any recommendations about the frequency of meals for people who exercise regularly?A: If you have breakfast, lunch and dinner and a pre- and post-exercise snack, that’s at least five times a day of eating. When people are physically active, anything under three meals a day is not going to be enough
Traffic point system to come into effect nationally next year
The Road Traffic Management Corporation says the traffic point system will come into effect nationally next year. The project will see motorists forfeiting their points for committing traffic offences. It’s been on pilot in Pretoria, Johannesburg and Durban since last July.
Educational programmes for motorists will be conducted to enhance their knowledge and expectations of the system. Road Traffic Management Corporation’s Ranthoko Rakgoale says: “All traffic violations will be addressed in exactly the same manner and motorists can be assured of being subjected to Standardised procedures.”
Frequent law breakers could have their licenses suspended or cancelled. An e-force computer system will also be introduced and it will assist with on-the spot verifications
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Added on 02 February 2010
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Life
- Resolving Conflict. . . a genuine apology when it is deserved . . .
- Secret to a long life is ultra low calorie diet, claim scientists
- 10 tips to improve your friendships
- Is the past holding you back?
- Weight Loss Program – Strategies You Cannot Afford to Miss Out
- Don’t Quit
- Body language
- How to Have MORE Energy
- Eating to Fuel Exercise
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